Saturday, November 8, 2008

Next Appointment

President-Elect Obama will be facing an important appointment in the near future. More important to the Obama household than the Treasury Secretary, or the Secretary of Homeland Security: the first pet.

Obama has, like many presidents before him, has had pets. He'll need to set an example, in his pet selection, that he understands the problems that face America. He cannot repeat Herbert Hoover's mistake of owning 2 alligators at a time when America was facing its worst crisis in history.

His family is agitating for a puppy. Republicans, I've heard, oppose that, and are staunchly in favor of the new President being a cat-owner--after all, dogs are naive, and many experts agree that a puppy will not have the experience with people required to be the first dog. After all, the First Pet should be house-broken on Day One. How will it look if the First Pet piddles on the leg of a foreign dignitary? If he digs up the Rose Garden?

But I part ways with the Republican Party, and I buck the Democrats who are firmly in the hand of Big Puppy. I have my own nomination for the role of first pet.

A ferret.

PLEASE MR. OBAMA NOMINATE A FERRET TO THE WHITE HOUSE. We have never had a ferret in the white house. We've had alligators as first pets, a pygmy hippo, cows, goats, horses, ponies (Kennedy had plenty of ponies, fitting in with his platform of promising everyone a dream), rodents (Andrew Johnson fed white mice he found; he was a fairly spineless President), and a lion cub. But even with these forward-thinking appointments, we still have a White House which has been dominated by a Dog Majority.

Ferrets are smart. They are sleek and attractive--setting a good example on the obesity front. They are playful. But they are also aggressive: like Rahm Emanuel, they'll bring a sharp set of teeth to your staff.

Some may say that they smell, or that they shed. Isn't that a small price to pay for the opportunity to make history, Mr. Obama?

Seriously people, he's getting a dog. Calm down.

My favorite part of writing this post? Looking at the list of presidents. Hoover had alligators? Coolidge practically had a menagerie! What is it with the 1920s and RIDICULOUS PET CHOICES.

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